The Good and the Bad (Sad)

What is it about warnings that make us want, filling our minds crazy with cravings for more? Alone, conjuring spirit is a task easily set in stone by what we already know. The feeling of pain teeters on a spectrum of fulfillment or disruption; I personally get upset when I think about the time I wasted feeling insecure, sad, and angry. Energy, giving and getting, is my chosen route to every misdemeanor in my path. I evidently still struggle with happiness and have come to the realization that my choices and their outcomes span into the good and the sad.

I am afraid that I will never be understood out of want, as I take that inclination of interest in everyone I meet. I think based on how I have been treated and evidently grown from those experiences, I will be my own love for as long as I live. We are all foundationally alike in the means of resilience, and even as I feel myself becoming more sensitive with each wake, I can tolerate the pain as a means of turning it into something strong and beautiful. Purpose is felt as change is dealt.

Unconditional love, patience, and understanding are learned defense mechanisms just as violence and omission; both can characterize pain. I am not sure whether it is a balance of them more than it is a right or wrong scenario that gifts us the decision with how to move forward now knowing what we do, what we cannot change.

I have learned that you cannot force people to love you or even want you. It has been as struggle of mine since my earliest memories to receive the love that I felt for the world and its miscellaneous items; a junkyard chalked full of things that were once valued and alas no more. I want to fill every cup, find peace in every happening, and truly love myself for all that I am and the reasons for what I am not. Some good things can be inherently good. Here are some I have found:

• Playing Pokémon on my 3DS

• How British people call their girlfriends “birds”

• Memes about how high school staircases make you so out of breath

• Dreams of falling in love

• Latch by Disclosure

• Banana Oreo shakes from PDQ

• Floors when drunk

• Eating something tart or sour and feeling my jaw clench

• Church bells

• The baby section at stores

• Pink movie theater soap

• When Kid Cudi goes “Kid Cudiii-iii-ii”

• Spaghetti ice

• The sound of faraway trains