How WE(eeee!) Change
Restless behavior becomes the mountain or hill we stand upon a given day; it can feel as though a rollercoaster was our mode of transportation depending on the day (weee!!). Where I gift my energy usually comes back to me in the same, reciprocal amount. Leading a group of people, motivations, or ideas will fill you with their characteristics as well as keep them fed through your sacrifice of unknowing transformation. Motion causes us all to get out of breath sometimes, but it is the specific energy we put behind the reason our heart races that will either set us up for a more tolerable future or a disheartening one. The road can go both ways, but it is the motivation behind why we choose our paths that change us, transform us.
The worst thing about social media is the instant gratification method it teaches me. Personally, I know that loving someone wholeheartedly really takes it out of me and that the passing of time with a healthy mix of productivity and daydreaming will get my world turning again. I love the sun, for I miss her when she sleeps and I tire all day within her glow to try and stay that way. My being is sapped and strayed as I wait for light to reach my teary face, drying what crying my energy felt needed to be washed away and make room within my sight for another enormous, filling, passing day.
I want to know who finds me where I am not. What have I done to change them and see something there that before was a mindless spot? I know I did myself a service today when I went to the gym across town to avoid the possibility of seeing people that would make my healing heart throw up across the floor, where my feet would then run to cast myself out the nearest door. Consequently, I did not face my fears, but I have more energy to do the things I love so….. IDKKKK.
It feels as though I have lived a different life each year of higher education I’ve put myself through. The school part is lit and honestly a nice distraction from the hunger pains I’ve felt since my first real heart-splitting torment my second undergraduate year. It is interesting how my indecisiveness only showed itself transparently through my career changes but only consequently through my personal decisions; it is a cruel, cruel world but more fun for those that see that suffering through. I am three years in and feel like I am in the most extreme game of tug of war between my needs and my wants; I am only human. For example, my minor will allow me to travel the world and teach English to children and adults of varying cultures and backgrounds. That literally sounds like my fairytale waiting upon the clouds, so I just need to follow the sweet scent of otherworldly delicacies and maintain my pace upon the days that pass on by.
What I do know lives in the warm air that coddles the leaves, urging them to fly and then fall, rest, and regress until they become whole again. What I hear I note in the bustle and hustle of the everyday wake and break-down of an extraordinary individual reason to measure out the raincloud hanging high and its expected downpour on the site of their sight. How I wish the answers were as plainly written out as our paths to and from our scheduled and eventual, walk towards another piece of fancy paper. What I do see I store for either immediate or future heartbreak, missing what I once had, held in the hidden glance between two lovers sitting in the garden behind the library; time never seems to work in these present moments, but I believe it is their deep recognition that later brings it to blossom at the times when you wish so badly they had not happened at all.
Is this what feeling burnt-out is like? I love college:) (actually)
